19 Ways to Get What You Want in 2015

You know how this time last year you were
like “I’m gonna get my s together and 2014
is gonna be MY year” and then it wasn’t? Or
at least, it wasn’t to the fully extent that it
could’ve been? Well, screw 2014, 2015 is
where it’s AT. Right now, in this moment, you
will embrace all of the ways in which you will
totally and completely kick ass in 2015. We’re
here to help. Let’s go.
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1. Don’t sign up for a gym membership
you will never use.
This is the realest of all real things on this list.
If you know, in your heart of hearts, that you
will not use the gym, don’t waste your money
on it and figure out the exercise you DO
2. While you’re at it, cancel cable.
You don’t need that shit — you can get
almost everything you want to watch via
Hulu, Netflix, and iTunes for a lot cheaper.
Plus, it just lets you lay on the couch and
watch garbage for hours. If you have to work
a little harder to watch garbage, you end up
watching just the garbage you REALLY want
to see. And isn’t that the purpose of life as we
know it? To watch garbage on our own
terms? I think that’s in the constitution.
3. Don’t go to brunch with people you
You should never brunch with people you
hate. That is the devil’s work and you should
stop immediately. 2015 is the year you only
brunch with people who make you feel like
the golden goddess you are. Sunday + good
people + waffles the size of your face = living
your Best Life.
4. Ditch the friend who tries to make
you feel bad.
Maybe her life just sucks or maybe she’s
jealous of you or maybe she’s had sand in her
vagina for 25 years. It doesn’t matter. It’s not
your problem and you will never fix or change
this person.
5. No more weekday hangovers because
you’re too old for that shit.
Limit your weeknight drinking to two drinks
and your life will blossom in front of you like
so many roses in the springtime.
6. Read at least one book that mentally or
spiritually enriches you a month.
And also one book that’s trash and you love
7. Save up for a trip.
Because you want to see the birthplace of the
Renaissance, and snowboard down a
powdery Tahoe mountain, and get a $5
massage while sipping a Mai Tai on a tropical
beach. And you deserve to. So start a fund
and start it today.
8. Stop lying to yourself about that one
person in your life and let it go.
You know who I’m talking about.
9. Call your mom before she calls you
And while you’re at it, tell your mom or dad
or whoever raised you that you love them
and thanks for making you a (mostly)
functional member of society and not Ted
10. If you’re single, ditch the guy who
can’t make plans with you or who can’t
True fact: You deserve someone who’s
available to hang out before midnight and
with clothes on.
11. If you’re attached, text your
significant other right now and say I
love you, thank you for being you.
And also ask them if they can maybe stop by
Whole Foods on the way home and get you
some of those dark chocolate truffles you love
(p.s. and some mashed potatoes from the hot
food bar.)
12. Buy your dog that $30 collar on Etsy
or your cat that $150 artisinal cat tree.
Your pet is your life and #yolo,
13. Splurge on concert tickets instead of
a new item of clothing.
Experiences are worth more than things,
every time. (Unless that thing is a $45 hat for
your cat because that level of cuteness is
worth a trip to the moon and back.)
14. Stop feeling guilty about spending
$200/month on Starbucks.
Your half-half extra-hot PSL makes you feel
good and you’ll never get up early enough to
make coffee at home. Besides, who will pour
a metric ton of caramel in your coffee before
misspelling your name every damn time?
That barista NEEDS you.
15. Buy a hot-ass freakum dress and
wear it to da club.
Be ridiculous and shameless and have the
best fucking time. Then come home, throw
up forever, hug your cat, and swear: “never
16. Be earnest.
Being cool and not giving AF is so 2000 and
late. You want that job or that man? Go get
17. Make a meeting with your boss to
discuss your future at the company.
Make a plan and follow up. Show initiative.
Get that Infinity pool, girl. (That’s what we’re
all working towards, right?)
18. Write thank you notes.
To job interviewers, birthday gift givers, and
to your grandparents. Especially your
grandparents. Grandparents LOVE thank you
19. Call people instead of texting
Again, especially your grandparents. They
don’t have time for that texting shit! My mom
once told me a phone call is worth 50 texts.
Considering how much I text, that’s not that
much, but you know. Call your mom. Call her
right now.

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